The Metalocalypse Diary
by briana.schmidt1
Summary: Dethklok has a secret songwriter. DISCONTINUED, due to missing an episode, plus I'm getting kinda self-conscious about not getting the characters right. Anyways, if anyone wants to finish this, or restart it, pm me.
1. Chapter 1

I was excited! The band had an interview with Nick Ibsen! He mentioned how great the band was doing financially, despite almost nothing being known about our personal lives. To which Nate Explosion replied with a cause.

It didn't matter, I knew what he was actually saying, and what he meant, because if our fans knew all about our private lives, we'd never have a free moment, nor would our fans believe that we're totally and completely brutal assholes.

"Well, it doesn't matter, because we have a surprise for you, something that you desperately want to keep private. Your families!"

The shock and surprise was palpable. Except for me, I was excited to see my mom and siblings again. Touring is hard now that I think about it...

Will's grandma pushed her motor scooter across the room to him, knocking over a show light, killing Nick Ibsen.

The families caused an emergency meeting, Skwisgaar, was complaining about his mother being here, and asked Toki what he thought. Toki just lay there face down on the floor silent.  
At the silent treatment, Skwisgaar went back to his playing, while Pickles suggested that we take the families out to dinner.

Nate's mom couldn't shut up, and his dad wouldn't open up his mouth, speaking of silent parents, Toki's parents were intense. They just started at him.

He just sat there.

The hot Skwisgaar, that I get too embarrassed to talk to, was practicing his guitar, I guess it's because his mom was trying to pick up Nate's dad.

Will's grandmother was talking to him about buying his grandfather a motorchair, because he was being pulled around in a wagon by his wife.

Pickles was being talked at by his brother for money to start up a business, because he studied music management in prison, and his parents were bragging about him.

Everyone and their families were sitting at one booth, while me, and my family sat at the booth over, where I was bickering with my sisters, my brother was playing hanky panky with his girlfriend, and we were all talking to my mom and dad.

Basically, my family rocked compared to theirs. And I felt a little bit bad for them. So when Will said that he had to go, I followed him and the gang to the men's restroom.

I hope no one notices.

Will was taking a p*ss and Pickle was complaining about his family when I walked in, quickly followed by Nate and Skwisgaar. I guess Toki stayed behind, with his, nice, creepy, religious folk. Must be a Norwegian thing.

Deciding that he hadn't noticed me, I stayed quiet, while Will asked about his mom.

"She used to be Miss Sweden. And I guess they have to have sex with every guy in Sweden. So thanks mom." He finished sarcastically.

"That's gotta be rough." I told him, he just responded with a whatever. I love how that man talks!

"The fact that my parents had to have sex to create me makes me want to be buried alive."

Then all the guys looked at me. I stared back.

"...What?" I asked blankly.

"Well? Tell us about your family." Skwisgaar asked. I doubt that I could refuse that man anything...

"I don't know what to say.. my mom's strict, and my dad's stricter. I hate that he's killing himself to the point that he's lost so much weight, he looks like a skeleton with skin over it! But it's his life, and I have my stepdad if he does. My mom had me when she was nineteen, and my brother when she was twenty, and married my dad a year later, I think I puked on my dad. Jada was born 16 years ago, and mom and my step dad, had Bella eight years ago."

The band was speechless.

"Wow, you really love them." Nate said. I just enthusiastically smiled.

"But you come up with such awesome lyrics!" Skwisgaar protested. I blushed, frantically trying to hide it.

"Yeah! You had to of had some kind of trauma in your life!" Pickles continued for him.

This part, I really didn't want to tell them, just because I had no clue how they were gonna take it. But Will was looking at me with the tickle claws out. I hate being tickled!

"Okay! Okay! I was molested as a child!" I blurted. I hate how they all got quiet and stared at me sadly. Even Nate was looking at me with pity in his eyes. It pissed me off.

"YOU KNOW WHAT!?" I blew up at them, "YOU CAN ALL GO SUCK A CJONE! I'M SUCCESSFUL AND HAPPY AND DON'T NEED YOUR DAMN PITY!" And with that I stormed out.

I guess they continued with the meeting, because the next time that we were alone, pickle filled me and Toki in on the plan to buy our families anything they wanted, and pretend to enjoy their company until they leave.

Will bought his grandma a new car, and his grandpa a motorchair and took his grandma to yoga.

Nate gave his mom a massage.

Toki took a picture with his folks.

And Skwisgaar brushed his mom's hair.

I bought my mom a motor scooter and a van so she could go places, I also figured out what everyone wanted for Christmas and their birthdays.

Then we all went putt putt golfing. I beat my siblings of course.

Will almost choked his grandma, and pickles lied to his brother about visiting. Man, if his brother were actually a chick, and not related to him, maybe if just a chick, I'd bet that she'd try to fuck him for that money.

The next day. Pickles called for everyone to pack and get ready to leave. Waiting for an answer Skwisgaar took the opportunity to give a sigh of relief.

"It cannot come soon enough. I've had a sour stomach ever since my mom got here." He softly complained. While I silently set down a bottle of aspirin, pepto bismal, and a glass of water, Pickles' brother walked up to us, flashing the snapping fingers wink at me, making me roll my eyes in disgust.

"So brother," the sleazeball started, "I was thinking, maybe we could do a Deathklok family album?"

Everyone protested to this. As the families showed up behind him.

"Look, I already put it together, everyone is behind me on this, plus I gave you the idea to be a rock star, so you owe me." I guess pickles had had enough, because he jumped on top on top of his brother and started choking him. Saying that he didn't want any of the families to do an album.

That's when he got maced by Will's grandma.  
Will spoke up in protest, and she sprayed him too. In defense of his bandmates, Nate demanded to know what any of them knew about being brutal.

"I have been cleaning up his ass for years! Changing his diapers! And I'm telling you, that there's nothing, more brutal and grotesque than raising children!" Will's grandma yelled at him.

Nate's mom screamed that he ruined her vagina.

Skwisgaar's mom was pissed that she couldn't lose the weight after she had him, and that her breasts now looked like a roadmap of Stockholm. She even showed them to us, talk about grotesque.

Nate's dad was mad that all his beer money went to buying clothes.

Even my mom interjected.

"Having you brats broke my back! And are you even grateful? No! You all just go on about me, me me!"

The band was silent, including me. Then we all knew what to do, the amazing part was, even Toki's parents joined in the screaming at the studio. Honestly, some of my finest work went into writing that song.

Later, at the airport, saying goodbye, my mom made me blush when she mentioned that she knew how I felt about Skwisgaar. So I quickly said my goodbyes and rushed off to the girl's restroom to cool down a bit...

I imagined that Skwisgaar followed me into the bathroom and complimented me on how I've come from a vulnerable little girl, to a strong beautiful woman and he kissed me. My daydream lasted all the way until we got into the limo. When I felt pressure on my hand lighten and move away.

I guess Pickles had noticed something, because he leaned over, and whispered in my ear, about Skwisgaar looking good today, and that he wanted me to kiss him. I laughed out loud, but a girl can dream can't she?

Until next time diary,  
Brynja Þyjøøstæn


	2. Chapter 2

I couldn't believe it! The band was having an all-out brawl! Will had stepped on Skwisgaar's cord, and when he tapped on Will's shoulder to get him to move, Will pushed him into Nate, and fell onto Toki's cord. Nate punched Will, who bent over when he heard Toki coming. Who flew over Will's back into Pickles drum kit. Pickles, got mad and threw one of his cymbals at Skwisgaar, who ducked, and it embedded itself in a guy's neck. As horrifying as it was to see, I was getting some pretty brutal lyrics from watching them.

After the subsequent lawsuits, Nate called an emergency meeting.

"It's okay to hate each other, that's okay, but this can't happen again. It costs too much" Everyone was silent for a moment, until Skwisgaar, who was staring out the window at the wolves, spoke up.

" It appears the yard wolves has grown up. Are we finally finished with thes colds dead winters?" Leaving everyone brooding. But seriously, who has yard wolves? Just then, the band's lawyer/manager showed up.

"Guy's, I've been thinking about how best to prevent another lawsuit or root, and I just keep coming back to... band therapy." He informed us, just wonderful dramatic pause. Did this joker go to drama camp?

So that's how we were all squashed on this tiny little couch at the shrink's office. The idiot was going on and on about how we were a family. If we were a family, I wouldn't want to jump Skwisgaar's bones, to feel his lean hips in between mine, or hear our vocals mixing in a power ballad that was totally not for the others, just us. Oh shoot, the dude was still talking, maybe I should listen.

"I know what I'm talking about, I used to be in a band!" He mentioned, oh so casually. Skwisgaar scoffed.

"I bet you guys sucked, like totally lame." He sarcastically laughed. The shrink laughed sarcastically back, then slapped Skwisgaar, earning him a permanent place on my dead-to-me-forever list.

"You slapped at my face!" Skwisgaar protested. The shrink obviously thought that he could just lie to us because he vehemently denied it.

One week of useless therapy later, and the idiot somehow got access to our recording studio. Nate was explaining how we don't really let anybody in the studio.

"You let the groupie in here" he said, irritating me further.

"I'm in the band!" I protested, as he just held up a hand.

"Yeah. Relax, Tonto, don't get all neurotic on me, jeez. I'm just going to observe you all. Now I want you all to be yourselves. Act like I'm not here, go!" Pickles laughed at that.

"Don't worry, I've been tryin' to do that since yeh got here." He joked, the shrink laughed too, albeit sarcastically.

"Well then it shouldn't be a problem then, should it, SMARTASS?!" Dude is intense. Pickles laughed again, but a little more nervously, and threw up his hands.

"Dude, no hitting." He pleaded.

We were recording an awesome song that I'd been working on forever, and we were recording Toki's part, which was going pretty well, until he made a mistake and Nate had him redo it, for the 164th time. So Toki played the song again, was able to get past the new mistake, until his E string snapped. Skwisgaar groaned in boredom.

"Just... let me record it. Each take gets worse! He's slowly learning how to unplay the guitar." He complained.

"I can hear that. The talkback mike is on." Toki informed him. Which caused Skwisgaar to cover his mouth and lean over to Pickles and whispered.

"Pickle, please let me know when the talkback mike is on so that Mr. Sensitives don'ts goes to crysbabies house for vacation?" Wow, so the rumors of Swedes not liking Norwegians or Danes are true.

"I can stills hear you." Toki told him again, which ticked Skwisgaar off.

"So, what do you want? A be-able-to-hear-things award?!" Skwisgaar yelled at him.

"Eh, not really. Doesn't sound like a greats award, to be honest." Toki replied. Sometimes I absolutely ashamed to have even have heard of these guys, and other times it was almost heaven on earth. And the even more rare times when it was both. This was one of those times, especially with an idiot with an overly large ego, like the shrink.

"Is this the way you normally record?" Duh, you can't record any other way.

"What, you just push little Toki around?" As much as I didn't want to, I had to agree that the shrink had a point. Especially when the rest of the band was so matter of fact about it.

"Are you kidding me? Do have any idea what that's doing to his little ego? Listen. We're gonna do an exercise, an exercise in changing band dynamics." I was pissed not now jack off!

Apparently, I was still only the groupie to him because he made me the lead guitarist, and totally amazed everyone with my awesome skills, and Toki the lead singer. Pickles and Will were too much in the middle to change, while Nate became the back-up guitarist, and Skwisgaar became the groupie. That was the only thing even remotely good, and I felt like I'd died and gone to heaven.

"Toki, you are now the lead singer of the band."

"No, thanks." Toki said honestly.

"You know, your creative voice is not appreciated, and we are going to change that." Idiot, don't you listen to your clients!?

"Honestly, I don't wants no creative voice. It's cool." I love Toki's child-like way of speaking! The idiot still made Toki sing, horribly and off-key.

The shrink made me so mad that I almost took the Gibson Explorer I was playing with, and smashed it over his head. Luckily Nate and Pickles saw what was about to happen and held me back, so I called for a lunch break.

While eating, the band was watching a documentary. Nate was intrigued, and Will was pretending to be better than us. When the stupid shrink walked in front of us and called for a band meeting. Luckily Pickles said something first.

"Dude, you may be a therapist, but you can't call a band meeting!"

"Yes I can! For the purpose of these exercises, I am a band member! To reward Toki for great work today, I should like to give him something that the rest of you may one day earn." And then he unlocked his fanny pack, seriously, a fanny pack. He reached in and pulled something out.

"The banana sticker!" Seriously, too stupid, and too much ego. Of course, the fact that Toki was getting something, and not him, made Will jealous.

"How come he gets a banana sticker? Don't I get one?"

"No, Murderface, you do not get a banana sticker, not until you have proven yourself! Until then, these banana stickers shall remain locked in here." And he patted his fanny pack. Dude, no one wants to go near your fanny pack! But his answer made Will mad, so he picked up Toki's guitar and did to the floor what I still want to do to the shrink.

As soon as the shrink pulled Will into another room, I told the rest of the band that I was going away for a week.

"Because, if I have to deal with that f*er anymore, I will stab him in his nuts and slowly turn it. I need to get gone, but I will continue to make food for you guys, it'll just be a little later than normal. Oh, and I'll need a groupie." I said with a glance to Skwisgaar.

"F### yous ok. I'm not some promiscuous womans!" He said bitterly.

So I went off to my hidey-hole, which was already stuffed with my hobbies that I couldn't pull out in front of the band.

I got up and made breakfast, ate, and scuttled off to the gym to jog and do squats. Then hopped in the pool for laps. Then I got out, made lunch, and went back to my vacation space to read until it was time to make dinner, then I went back to knit, or cross stitch until I fell asleep.

When my week was over I went back downstairs where I ran into Toki, who had called an emergency meeting. Locking us in the bathroom, he told us what he'd heard the shrink say.

"I'm telling you he's crazy." Toki urged.

"Alright, this is getting completely out of control. Twinkletits thinks he's in our band. I think we gotta fire 'em." Nate urged, sparking an argument about firing each other, or giving themselves a raise. Then Pickles spoke up about the fact that the shrink was the only way they could get banana stickers.

"Uh guys, stickers are available online." I pointed out.

We decided to confront the shrink when he found us in the band's rec room and was talking about us going on tour.

"Hey! We been thinkin', not very hard, but... You're fired! Yeah. We hate you." The look on his face, made it almost worth the pain.

"Hey it's not that bad. You know I pride myself on being able to pit people against each other, but you're amazing, you're a real dick. And I appreciate that, but we never want to see you again, you ugly idiot dick!" Will praised him.

Skwisgaar was able to get in a crack about his mustache, and the shrink pulled out his last card, the banana stickers.

"We won't be needing your banana stickers." Will bent down and pushed a large trunk over to Nate, who kicked it open, revealing a bunch of banana stickers, as a heavenly rift played.

"We have found out that you can just, you know, buy psychological validation, so..." Nate trailed off. And I guess that pushed the shrink over the edge.

"You sons of bitches! HOW DARE YOU! I AM the band! You can't kick me out! I'll kick you out! YOU'RE ALL FIRED, you buncha stupid pussies! I'LL KILL YOU!" He shouted, holding his pen and rushed towards us, and irony on so many levels as he slipped on a banana sticker, and fell out of the window, screaming all the way down from the fourth story to the ground.

"I'm still alive! I'm still-" stopping his talking when he looked up to see the yard wolves. Never have I been so happy that my band was brutal, when I saw the wolves tearing into the shrink.

Toki somehow felt the need to point out that the shrink was getting eaten.

"Yes, Toki, and his body will nourish the wolves." Skwisgaar replied.

"I believe the cycle of learning is complete."

"Indeeds. Alls of us should learns a lesson."

"Yeah. And what lesson might that be?" Pickles questioned.

"I haves no idea. But it's pretty metal that he's being eaten, look at that right there." Damn, not just brutal, my band was also sadistic.

" I ... can say that now." He finished heavily.

"I still hate his eaten, half-digested guts." I said as I spit on his still-being-devoured body.

"Guys, maybe this is weird to say, but am I the only one who is being made to feel hungry by watching this?" Pickles asked cautiously. Everyone was silent as we continue to view the show on the ground. When Nate gave the command to eat as everyone's eyes turned red. Oh well, I guess they were demonic.

Until next time diary,

Brynja Þyjøøstæn


End file.
